Further dispatches from the Finger Up Your Arse files: another small tale about life at the butt-end of our era’s ridiculous paranoias:
So.
I was in Glasgow this week with a couple of hours to spare before catching my train back to London.
Glasgow is a lovely town and, by some miracle, the weather was perfect, so I decide to drop my large bag at Left Luggage at Glasgow Central to free up my person for a nice walk-around.
Well. It all nearly ended at Left Luggage, when I made a little joke about guns.
There was a copper in the Left Luggage shop who was friendly, to his credit, and a Left Luggage man who was not. He was just a little too pleased to be at work and in a uniform. There are a lot of them around.
This guy took my bag and fired off the standard security questions – the ones we can confidently assert that no terrorist ever answers straight:
– Is this bag yours?
– Did you pack it?
– Have you left it unattended since you packed it?
– Are you carrying any firearms or ammunition?
I can’t take this shit seriously. This shows pretty quickly. The truth is that a jobsworth at a Left Luggage stall is no more likely to save the world from the Taliban than your cat. What he is able to do, though, is tell you off like you were five if you don’t bend to the uniform. Doubtless, the copper is there to remind you that you and your attitude are only ever five minutes away from a cooling-off spell in the joint.
As I say, I can’t stand it. When this uniform asked me if I was carrying firearms, I laughed and said ‘no, not today, mate.’
It wasn’t the wrong answer, but it wasn’t the right one.
He’d been reasonably civil until then, but that answer told him I was borderline smartarse. It was all he needed, so he pounced. He swung round and said ‘do you mean you carry firearms on other days?
Do you normally carry firearms?’ or some statement to that laughable effect. He knew damn well I was taking the piss, but had to take the chance to slap me around for it.
It never came, of course: I wasn’t going to apologise, or grovel, or throw myself at the copper’s feet.
There was silence all round while this became clear.
Finally, the Left Luggage man said ‘you need to watch what you say’ – a last word man if there ever was one.
‘No I don’t,’ I said. I’m a last word type myself – and I had it. He gave me my ticket and I walked away. I presume that bombers, thugs and revolutionaries say No when they’re in Left Luggage and asked if they’re packing. The rest of us are being reminded that we can get into trouble just by talking. And reminded. And reminded. And reminded. I might push it out a bit further next time, to see if they’ll take me away.
This isn’t as bad as the shenanigans going on with pat-downs in the States, but the psychology is the same: every single time we have an episode like this, freedom dies a bit. All in the name of “safety”. It’s worth remembering what Franklin said, “They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.”
Brother – it does my bloody head in. You’re right in that it isn’t as bad, but that might be because I’m a middle aged white woman who doesn’t really fit the pic. If one of my stepsons had said that (young man in a hoodie, etc), the patdown may have ensued.
It was the fact that this guy jumped at the opportunity to jump in – real ‘how DARE you joke about this stuff’ type thing. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I’m not going to stop saying that kind of thing.
Just be a bit judicious for the sake of your friends. 🙂 I’d rather not there be a second Twitter Joke Trial; but if indeed there is, I’m sure you’ll be telling the Lord Justice Whoever what part of the female anatomy he resembles. 🙂
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LOL you’re probably right. I’d still prefer not to be treated as a criminal, though, when I certainly have no criminal intent and that is pretty obvious. Glasgow Central may come a gutser tomorrow, but it won’t have anything to do with the vast majority of us. It’s the criminalising of us all that I really struggle with. People are good, not bad. We’re losing sight of that with all of this.
Jeez. I think some of these guys misheard “servants of the public” as “sadists to the public”.
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LOL For a list of patently dumb questions to ask, you just have to look at the US Visa Waiver form. The problem is that US immigration are *seriously* humour challenged and putting a tick in the Yes box next to “Do you have a communicable disease” because you’ve got a cold may well get you on the next plane back.
I mean, how dumb is a question like: “Have you ever been or are you now involved in espionage; or in terrorist activities; or genocide” ?
LOL – wonder if they ever put that last one to Tony Blair…?
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Terry Barnes and Gary McLachlan, Kate B. Kate B said: Here’s a short one from my growing Finger Up Your Arse files. Getting sick of being hassled by feckn security http://bit.ly/gm5F3c […]